Among overwhelmed thoughts, endless overthinks, piles of insecurities, all wrapped up in these past months, finally like whoa I have to admit it. I'm facing a crisis.
It was hit me hard tho (oh how happy I am to use the past tense), yes, I'm feeling way much better right now.
I used to cry every day, 3 times a day at least, like no reason the tears just fell in such a huge stream. Was it that sudden? Yes. Once before I did my tryout exam, or when I was happily listening to BTS's music, or when I was watching Hanan Attaki's videos.
I know that everyone is surely going thru these too, but not everyone gonna tell the story. Me neither, actually. Remember my last post? Nah, at that time I was in denial that this quarter-life crisis was hitting. I thought it was my lack of self-acceptance so I had to understand myself better.
One of my friends said:
"It's natural for a human to do activities on daily basis. It's normal if we feel worried to do nothing. It's just our sense.".
Couldn't be more agree with the statement!!
The beginning of these crises was surely due to my covid when I had to close my baking activities. I've been baking for about 9 months and suddenly stopped. I planned to come back a month after but well, there was the 2nd wave of covid that hit my family with me the only one who's tested negative. So it was me being isolated in my room because I was the one fine. I thought it would be easy just to stay in the room for another 2 weeks as I had used to. The first week went hard because I was worried about the health of my family. My parents, mostly Dad, got those severe-middle symptoms so the health officer just came to put oxygen on. I didn't know exactly what happened when most of my relatives asked me how was my family conditions because none of them used the phone and I just could stay in my room. That was a true 2nd wave of covid in Indonesia and it was happened to my family, in front of my eyes. On the 2nd week, thanks to Allah SWT, Dad's condition was better, much much better. I felt relieved and very grateful, all I wanted to do once I could escape this room was to hug my Mom and Dad.
The neighborhood condition was still worse, July was a real covid nightmare. After the end of quarantine, we all were still staying at home just like these past 2 weeks. I didn't know which it's because I was tired (physically & mentally), couldn't find any gaiety anymore due to tedium, or a combination of both, I started to grow things I shouldn't have been thinking. Ya, overthinking, you named it.
At first, I kept saying "Hey, you shouldn't think about this!" to every baloney popped up on my head. It worked that time tho. I was trying to always stay positive at my best, I did. But later, as you may read in the previous post, someone was just like burning up the wick. My pent of emotions wick. It was BOOOMMM and the rest I could remember was a pain in my chest and tears falling incessantly. Me my self was shocked too, how could I turn to be this emotional, to be this sensitive, to be this hurt? The next days were just me crying in silence. I began to mute most of my social media, I refused any invitations (even it was my close friends), I didn't pick up phone calls, I tried my best to avoid people without getting caught that I was mentally (and physically tho) broken. I met some of my friends (finally) only for the sake of our long-time-good relationship, and to look normal as usual. There was one photoshoot session too when I looked extremely good with my smile. Oh, how humans are good at masking their faces.
In the middle of August, I followed my parents to go to someplace to meet someone we respect. There, I just silently listened to their talks and at the end, he said "Fokus, rasah mikir sing aneh-aneh, Nduk. Nek bengi diakehi istighfar ya. Tenan iki.". He asked me to focus, to stay sane, and to seek forgiveness to Allah, astaghfirullahal'adzim. He must be noticed of what happened to me these past weeks. We left with him kept on reminding me to do istighfar at night.
I took days afterward too when I realized, I was only burying those feelings all the time, I've never made it done for me, I've never accepted it.
I prayed in silence. I talked to Him. With all of my flaws as imperfect, I asked for His apology. I've had thinking all things, all those extremely unbelievable worst things, just like I live without Him who's the Owner of Life. I felt outrageously ruthless even to myself for the negativity I had made. Then, I made time each day, only to reflect on everything that happened that day, along with my istigfhar. The tension was getting better eventually. I had never been this calm after months when I realized I could pass a day without any tears.
I still have that averse feeling to meet people but I'm trying and I think this is my progress in this accepting-and-loving-myself journey. Later I understand, I should keep myself busy just to avoid my head empty and start growing negative thoughts. When I got a problem, I really need a good cry for a while, just to make it done then continue life.
It's like "accept - move on - be happy" is a phrase which I've learned a lot from these things that happened to me.
My journey is perhaps not as hard as yours, but for me, these have just made me truly lose my self-esteem. That's why we couldn't compare each other's lives, they have their own unique story.
I'm lucky I still could manage this by myself along with His help. For anyone reading this, if you feel something wrong with your mental health and couldn't make it, don't be hesitated to seek professional help! It will help you a lot.
And for those believers, hey, God won't let you alone, keep it in mind😇
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