it is what it is: move on and be happy

Among overwhelmed thoughts, endless overthinks, piles of insecurities, all wrapped up in these past months, finally like whoa I have to admit it. I'm facing a crisis.

It was hit me hard tho (oh how happy I am to use the past tense), yes, I'm feeling way much better right now.

I used to cry every day, 3 times a day at least, like no reason the tears just fell in such a huge stream. Was it that sudden? Yes. Once before I did my tryout exam, or when I was happily listening to BTS's music, or when I was watching Hanan Attaki's videos.  

I know that everyone is surely going thru these too, but not everyone gonna tell the story. Me neither, actually. Remember my last post? Nah, at that time I was in denial that this quarter-life crisis was hitting. I thought it was my lack of self-acceptance so I had to understand myself better.

One of my friends said: 

"It's natural for a human to do activities on daily basis. It's normal if we feel worried to do nothing. It's just our sense.". 

Couldn't be more agree with the statement!!

The beginning of these crises was surely due to my covid when I had to close my baking activities. I've been baking for about 9 months and suddenly stopped. I planned to come back a month after but well, there was the 2nd wave of covid that hit my family with me the only one who's tested negative. So it was me being isolated in my room because I was the one fine. I thought it would be easy just to stay in the room for another 2 weeks as I had used to. The first week went hard because I was worried about the health of my family. My parents, mostly Dad, got those severe-middle symptoms so the health officer just came to put oxygen on. I didn't know exactly what happened when most of my relatives asked me how was my family conditions because none of them used the phone and I just could stay in my room. That was a true 2nd wave of covid in Indonesia and it was happened to my family, in front of my eyes. On the 2nd week, thanks to Allah SWT, Dad's condition was better, much much better. I felt relieved and very grateful, all I wanted to do once I could escape this room was to hug my Mom and Dad.

The neighborhood condition was still worse, July was a real covid nightmare. After the end of quarantine, we all were still staying at home just like these past 2 weeks. I didn't know which it's because I was tired (physically & mentally), couldn't find any gaiety anymore due to tedium, or a combination of both, I started to grow things I shouldn't have been thinking. Ya, overthinking, you named it.

At first, I kept saying "Hey, you shouldn't think about this!" to every baloney popped up on my head. It worked that time tho. I was trying to always stay positive at my best, I did. But later, as you may read in the previous post, someone was just like burning up the wick. My pent of emotions wick. It was BOOOMMM and the rest I could remember was a pain in my chest and tears falling incessantly. Me my self was shocked too, how could I turn to be this emotional, to be this sensitive, to be this hurt? The next days were just me crying in silence. I began to mute most of my social media, I refused any invitations (even it was my close friends), I didn't pick up phone calls, I tried my best to avoid people without getting caught that I was mentally (and physically tho) broken. I met some of my friends (finally) only for the sake of our long-time-good relationship, and to look normal as usual. There was one photoshoot session too when I looked extremely good with my smile. Oh, how humans are good at masking their faces.

In the middle of August, I followed my parents to go to someplace to meet someone we respect. There, I just silently listened to their talks and at the end, he said "Fokus, rasah mikir sing aneh-aneh, Nduk. Nek bengi diakehi istighfar ya. Tenan iki.". He asked me to focus, to stay sane, and to seek forgiveness to Allah, astaghfirullahal'adzim. He must be noticed of what happened to me these past weeks. We left with him kept on reminding me to do istighfar at night.

I took days afterward too when I realized, I was only burying those feelings all the time, I've never made it done for me, I've never accepted it.

 

I prayed in silence. I talked to Him. With all of my flaws as imperfect, I asked for His apology. I've had thinking all things, all those extremely unbelievable worst things, just like I live without Him who's the Owner of Life. I felt outrageously ruthless even to myself for the negativity I had made. Then, I made time each day, only to reflect on everything that happened that day, along with my istigfhar. The tension was getting better eventually. I had never been this calm after months when I realized I could pass a day without any tears. 

I still have that averse feeling to meet people but I'm trying and I think this is my progress in this accepting-and-loving-myself journey. Later I understand, I should keep myself busy just to avoid my head empty and start growing negative thoughts. When I got a problem, I really need a good cry for a while, just to make it done then continue life.

It's like "accept - move on - be happy" is a phrase which I've learned a lot from these things that happened to me.

My journey is perhaps not as hard as yours, but for me, these have just made me truly lose my self-esteem. That's why we couldn't compare each other's lives, they have their own unique story.

I'm lucky I still could manage this by myself along with His help. For anyone reading this, if you feel something wrong with your mental health and couldn't make it, don't be hesitated to seek professional help! It will help you a lot. 

And for those believers, hey, God won't let you alone, keep it in mind😇

(left) behind

Hi, i'm back! Sayangnya belum membawa cerita bahagia. Hehe.

Aku pikir akhir-akhir ini memang aku sedang merasa amat sangat sensitif. Iya, sensitif, terutama soal masa depan, kerjaan, wis pokoknya banyak hal tentang di depan. Bagaimana tidak merasa payah, di usiamu yang sudah masuk 23 tahun, kamu masih belum bisa mandiri alias masih minta uang Ibu! Beberapa orang mungkin berkata it's okay selagi memang belum dapat kerja kamu masih tanggung jawab orangtuamu, it's 100% your privilege and nothing wrong with it. Aku selalu mengingat hal itu dalam pikiranku, mencoba tetap berpikir positif karena sebenarnya tidak ada gunanya pula merasa down. Well, walaupun sometimes we do, like now.

Aku hanya memposting agenda jalan pagiku saat ada seorang teman yang membalas postingan tersebut yang intinya "aku udah ngga punya waktu olahraga, coba aja deh kamu rasain besok, habis kerja tu capek". HAAA??? MBOK PIKIR AKU RA NGERTI???? ENDI ONO WONG GOLEK DUIT RA NGANGGO KESEL PERJUANGAN????? EMANG AKU YO RA NDUWE GAWEAN LIYO LIYANE OLAHRAGA??????

Apakah aku berhak sakit hati, guys? Mungkin kalian yang tidak berada di posisi yang sama tidak akan benar-benar mengerti. Bisa jadi aku memang sudah gila, hanya karena respon seperti itu saja hatiku terluka. Atau ini hanyalah tumpukan emosi yang selama ini aku usahakan untuk dipendam tapi tiba-tiba ada yang menggali gundukan emosi tersebut. 

Aku bersyukur berada dalam lingkungan orang-orang baik ini, orang-orang yang sudah mandiri, sudah tidak bergantung pada orang tua, sudah bisa membahagiakan orang tua secara materi bahkan. They buy stuffs and pay bills on their own! Keren nggak sih. Aku? Haaa membahagiakan secara nonmateri pun aku sangsi, tidak yakin. Sebenarnya aku bukan iri, as a friend i'm really happy with you guys achievements but just don't bother me, don't bring such imagination i've never had, i'm far behind you. Aku hanya merasa payah sendiri. Tidak ada sedikit pun rasa benci atas apapun yang kawanku bisa peroleh sekarang. Just watch your words. Aku hanya bisa menahan perih saat teman-temanku berkata "aku bulan ini udah ngga minta uang ibu" "ibuku ulang tahun, aku lebih baik membelikan oven atau microwave ya?" "eh si X sekarang tu udah bisa transfer uang ke ibunya tiap bulan". Hehe sakit yang sangat berdarah sebenarnya. Bisa kalian bayangkan bukan betapa hebat orang-orang di sekitarku, dan betapa payahnya aku.

Maaf ya atas kekanak-anakanku. Ini memang sudah jadi keputusan yang kuambil untuk tidak segera melamar kerja dimanapun, simply karena Bapak dan Ibu memintaku jadi pns. Sudah tahu kan jadwal cpns selalu diundur membuatku semakin harus memendam perasaan-perasaan itu. Orangtuaku sendiri pun tidak pernah sekali berkata "kok ora nglamar kerja nduk" atau memberi sindiran-sindiran tertentu yang berhubungan dengan my joblessness. Aku sebenarnya juga tidak pernah tinggal diam dan menyerah pada keadaan. Walaupun jualan hasil bakingku tidak pernah diakui secara nyata oleh orangtuaku, aku juga pernah ada di fase uang dari Ibu benar-benar tak kusentuh karena hasil jualanku sudah cukup bagiku.

Tetapi memang semenjak tragedi kopit yang kualami kemudian 2 bulan kemudian disusul tragedi kopit 2.0 yang menimpa orang rumah kecuali aku, jelas 3 bulan ini aku tidak berpenghasilan sama sekali. Belum soal health issues yang menimpaku, lagi-lagi urusan cari duit ini harus di-postponed. Awalnya aku sedih dan putus asa, tetapi lambat laun aku juga sadar bahwa mungkin inilah rejeki dari Allah untukku berupa waktu luang untuk memperbaiki kesehatanku. Aku harus amat bersyukur akan itu dan menerima dengan amat terima kasih. Aku kembali berpositive-thinking dan melalui progres-progres yang tidak mudah juga. Namun kembali lagi aku hanyalah seorang manusia, ada kalanya tersentil sedikit seperti saat ini emosiku jadi muncul kembali. Aku hanya merasa selama ini pun aku sudah menjaga topik pembicaraan dengan orang-orang sesuai dengan kondisinya saat ini, tetapi tetap saja ada yang akhirnya membuat perasaanku terluka. Wah, apakah ini yang namanya tidak semua orang bisa benar-benar "dewasa" #AdultingGameStrong. Sempat aku ingin meluapkan emosiku di media sosial tetapi berhasil ku tahan. At least i won this game dan aku jadi belajar bahwa nanti saat aku sudah ada di posisi tersebut, aku akan lebih hati-hati.

Semua orang punya jalan dan ceritanya masing-masing. This is mine.

Semangat terus aku, semangat terus semuanya yang sedang dan selalu berjuang😇

to keep goin'

The last 10 days of Ramadan are special, when most Muslims is struggling to get the Lailatul Qadr, a night which's better than 1000 months. On the last 10 days of Ramadan, I had to be isolated in a small room alone. I felt maybe this is the way Allah wanted me to be closer to Him, I may have lots of sin and He wanted to show how small I am as His most perfect creature. I planned, but Allah is the owner of decisions. Again, I had to stop from this fast-paced world for 2 weeks. Left my project postponed, orders canceled, and customer's chat unreplied.

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Hi, there!

Well, i'm back. Thankfully, fine and healthy.

The reality is that i survived. Everything was fine after the yesterday's storm-- storm in my own head yk. I kept on going until i had to face the real blast.

I decided to get up and promptly move on. I prepared myself for another project for Ramadan and Eid. It's a hampers edition from #PuspaBakingStory! I was really happy doing all of those things: scrolling to Pinterest again and again, searching the perfect tone, transforming ideas in my head into a design, and finding the right vendor! (the most important thing due to cost tho wqwq). But later, Karima, my cousin who's also the choux maker, and her family tested positive of Covid-19 at the end of March, 2 weeks away from Ramadan. I knew at first this project would be postponed, I decided to launch it later in the middle of the holy month, at the end of April. Because of that too, I was temporarily closing for an order due to the tracing process of Covid. Later my family and I were fine and I only accept a little amount of cinnamon rolls orders without officially opening pre-orders. I kept myself busy by joining some online courses also fixing the hampers concept.

Karima left the shelter about 5days before Ramadan. She needed a rest for a week so I did the photoshoot in the 2nd week of Ramadan when I was starting to have a mild cold. The photoshoot was done at the beginning of the week and immediately processing the photos. Everything was ready to launch! I remember I was going to post on the last day of April, it's Friday. But on that day I realized I had anosmia, I couldn't smell anything, even an essential oil smelled very light in front of my nose. I was in denial at first, do I get Covid? Because I was so fine except for this nose. I had no fever nor cough, my breath was easy as usual, my tasting and appetite were okay too.

It's Sunday in the morning, the 2nd day of May, my PCR-swab result was tested positive for Covid-19. I went to the swab center alone by myself. I left by saying I wanted to go ATM center. I was just so afraid I could bring danger to my family if I infect them. Later in the night, my parents took me to RSAU Hardjolukito, they wanted me to take my quarantine there. I met the doctor. After I explained everything, she said I was in good condition. She also said based on my PCR-swab result, the virus was entering the weakened phase. "You might get this virus a week ago, Sist", she said. I was a bit shocked that my everyday routine is the same each week: prep for baking, baking, and deliver. I always follow the health protocol and have never been anywhere crowds or hangouts those past weeks. The doctor said better for me to have self-isolation at home rather on the hospital. After purchasing the medicine, we went back home.

I accepted this as a fate. I tried my best not to cry during my 2weeks of self-isolation. I got a bit of trauma of clogged nose tho. But on day 5 of quarantine, when the PCR-swab result of the family showed Mom tested positive too, I was burst into tears. I really feel useless as a first-born, real burden to my family in my almost 23 years of life. But then I learned that it's way more useless if I feel sad that time, my immune would not work better. I still have to fight this virus. Mom didn't show any symptoms, she was just really okay. She did the isolation at home too, so there were 2 Covid patients. I prayed for health for my dad and my sisters, also a speedy recovery for my mom and me.  We had to fight this together!

Supports from my relatives, neighbors, and friends was amazing. I'm so thankful to have those good people in my life. They sent us loooooooots of foods, they call and message me every day just to check up on me. Although I couldn't celebrate Eid as usual, that's okay as long my family is okay.

My mom and I have done our quarantine. We're okay, Alhamdulillah. Feeling more grateful for everything we have now. I still don't know what to do next to my baking agenda, but well let's see later👀

So to all of you who are reading this, stay happy and healthy! Just wanna say the virus is real and dangerous as well, my mom and I are lucky to have mild symptoms, but someone out of there could be dying. Always wear your masks, follow the health protocol, and don't be stress it's not good for your immune😉

We plan, but Allah is the best planner.

See you in another post, it should be a happy story!💝

Haruskah?

Hi, aku tau ngga banyak--mungkin ngga ada sebenarnya yang baca-baca blog-ku selain beberapa postingan yang sampai sekarang trafficnya masih jalan. Mau cerita aja sih, dikit. I hope ngga ada yang baca hehe.

Postingan pertama di 2021 harusnya jadi soal hal-hal baru yang menyenangkan ya. But don't know should i write this or not, should i keep it my self or not, but i only want this to be a reminder that i ever went thru this phase in my life.

Beberapa minggu ini aku jadi pusing. Iya, pusing soal kegiatanku jualan roti. Udah 8 bulan besok tanggal 13 Maret. Udah lama ya. Tapi menurutku begitu-begitu aja dari my point of view. Aku sebenarnya punya banyak harapan besar soal diriku dan jualanku. Dari awal memang aku ingin menantang diriku sendiri sampai sejauh mana aku akan bertahan. Sampai akhirnya aku mulai merasa apakah sudah waktunya aku menyerah?

Semua begitu banyak di kepala. Sayangnya hanya ada 1 kepala. Riset menu, teknik, dan bahan. Trial resep. Production management. Supply chain management. Distribution + marketing management. Branding + socmed management. Iya, itu urutan kalau aku mau launch menu baru. Kelihatannya gampang ya, tapi begitu 1 step terlewati, masalah di step berikutnya muncul kembali. Sebenarnya bisa dibilang aku tidak pernah benar-benar profit karena hasil profit pasti aku gunakan lagi untuk beli bahan trial maupun alat-alat yang aku butuhkan buat produksi atau branding. Semua ngga murah dan semua tidak bisa cepat. Ide banyak, aksinya itu yang memang harus benar-benar dipikirkan. Pembukuan nol atau bahkan negatif bagiku sudah biasa. Entah finance managementku memang jelek tampaknya. Kerap aku boncos terus, hingga akhirnya di titik ini i begin to run out of money.

Ya, money is the problem. Just so you know, aku memodali diriku sendiri untuk produksi tiap harinya. Orang tuaku tidak pernah berurusan dengan hal itu kecuali memang Ibu yang membelikanku oven atau aku meminjam telur dan gula untuk kutukar saat aku sudah dapat uang. Sebenarnya aku harus bayar listrik ke Bapak, dulu sudah kusisihkan tapi ditolak. Entah signifikan atau tidak sebenarnya penggunaan ovenku ini huft. Atau mungkin memang iya tapi Bapak diam saja. Kasihan melihatku mungkin. At this time, i'm at the point which i couldn't digging my saving anymore. Aku merasa payah dan malu. Di usiaku yang ke 23, aku masih butuh uang dari orangtuaku. I can't do part time because i have to do my baking things. Oiya, jangan tanya mengapa sejak aku wisuda aku tidak fokus cari kerja saja dan tetap melanjutkan jualan, Bapak memintaku ikut cpns, that's it. Aku hanya mencoba menurut sebenarnya dan mencoba mencari peruntungan dengan jualanku ini. Tetapi tampaknya yah, seperti ini. Terkadang aku pun iri dengan teman-temanku yang kerap sambat soal kerjaannya. Aku yang merasa "kadang" ada kerjaan "kadang" engga pun merasa "hey someone out of there is dying to be in that position". Tentunya bukan aku yang dying ya, karena aku merasa masih punya kerjaan itu tadi hehe.

Malah ngelantur kemana-kemana ya curhatnya, maklum namanya wong mumet banyak pikiran hehe. Kembali ke jualan. Jujur selama ini aku juga walk in blind in running this micro business. Aku ngga pernah baca buku soal entrepreneurship, aku ngga punya mentor, aku ngga punya partner (well sempat punya but i'd cut it off). Emang ilmuku ini bener-bener nol soal bisnis. Aku juga tidak punya tujuan yang pasti soal bisnisku ini. Ada sih tujuannya, biar aku ngga minta uang Ibu lagi. Tapi tampaknya tujuan itu pun ngga tercapai ya, hiks. Belum selesai tuh soal ilmu bisnis, aku juga harus belajar ilmu-ilmu yang lain yang dibutuhkan. Kalau mau diceritakan panjang perincian launch menu baru, here we go.

Riset menu+teknik+bahan bukan hanya sekedar baca/nonton satu sumber. Itu benar-benar harus crosscheck si A omong apa si B omong apa si C pengalamannya gimana, bahkan kadang sampai buka jurnal akademik betulan. Baru dah masuk ke trial resep yang jelas tidak mungkin sekali jadi, mikir evaluasi lagi dimana salahnya. Belum nanti masukan-masukan dari para tester yang kadang membuat harus merombak resep lagi. Packaging dan gramasi menu adalah hal yang selajutnya dipikirkan. Ingat, deliverynya masih pakai motor, maka packagingnya harus yang begini begitu agar produknya tetap begini begitu. Menghitung harga bahan-bahan harus sesuai sama target market dong. Kesana kesini cari harga yang paling murah. Kalau emang ngga bisa dan harus substitute dengan bahan yang lain it means merombak resep lagi. I believe different ingredients means different taste. Skill-skill macam baker betulan aku juga harus buanyak belajar apalagi i have no pastry degree but fishery instead pft. Suka iri mak sama lulusan Le Cordon Blue. 

Setelah ketemu tuh komposisi ciamik, berpikir lagi duh brandingnya gimana ya. Aku harus belajar digital marketing. Aku harus memahami engagements, algoritma sosmed, fotografi, videografi, copy writing, content planning. Cari tuh trendnya gimana. Selanjutnya point marketingnya emang yang bikin seru-seru sadis. Aku memang ngga pernah melakukan promosi yang niat-niat amat sih, hanya posting di story IG pribadi dan status WA pribadi. Itu pun ngga tiap hari, paling 2x aja selama kurun waktu open PO. Prinsipku soalnya aku aja ngga begitu seneng story orang isinya jualan terus so i shouldn't do the same. Then my customer is mostly my friends, dan sebagian followers yang kudapatkan waktu diendorse gratis sama selebgram dulu. Aku ngga punya pasar lain ya karena aku hanya memanfaatkan koneksi yang aku punya sendiri. Not much. Aku kadang khawatir temanku beli jualanku karena kasihan sama aku:( 

Mungkin itu juga penyebab boncos, orderannya ngga banyak. Ngga selalu banyak. Aku merasa terimakasih banget sama semuanya yang udah nglarisin daganganku sampai titik ini, kasih review tanpa diminta buat di post di sosmed, sampai ada yang promosi ke temannya buat ikut order. Masih merasa bersyukur dikelilingi orang baik. Aku masih punya planning buat InstagramAds buat ekspansi market secara serius dan bermodal, but yeah money is the problem. Setiap malam menjelang tidur bagiku adalah waktu yang paling menyakitkan karena di kepala selalu berpikir "ah aku belum belajar ini" "aku belum cari tau lagi soal ini" "eh kalo begini ama begitu gimana ya" yang mana seharian aku sudah trial resep ataupun ngonten. Well, itu sumber pusing yang lainnya. Bisa disebut overthinking kah? Padahal aslinya brainstorming, tapi kepalanya hanya satu hehe.

Yang baca pasti sebel ya bacanya? Paling rasanya gemes mau komen "harusnya kamu gini" "harusnya kamu gitu" "bisalah gini" "bisalah gitu", tapi ya, balik lagi inilah aku dan progresku. Aku sendiri tiada hari tanpa memikirkan jualanku, disamping aku harus belajar untuk hal-hal lain. Mungkin aku terlalu banyak bermimpi tapi lupa kapasitasku. Ah, padahal aku amat ingin melampauinya. Aku ngga pernah menyesal sama semua yang aku lakukan semua ini termasuk boncosku yang bertubi-tubi. That's life. Namanya juga memulai semua dari nol termasuk skillnya. Well, nol koma sih soalnya aku sudah dibelikan oven Ibuku dan aku punya teman yang baik. Aku hanya sedih karena.....yah aku sampai di titik bahwa masihkah aku harus bertahan dengan kondisi ini? Haruskah aku berhenti? 

Ternyata memang benar ada 3 hal yang memberi pelajaran bagi manusia, kegagalan, kehabisan uang, dan patah hati. Gagal sudah sering. Patah hati ah sudah terjadi beberapa waktu lalu. Tapi "merasa" sudah kehabisan uang, tidak pernah aku sesayang ini sama uangku yang tidak banyak sehingga aku merasa this is the limit. Aku sudah pakai my lander of the last resort untuk beberapa hal, aku udah ngga bisa apa-apa lagi. Kalau ini masih bisa berjalan, pasti aku akan lanjut, tapi kalau tidak, yah, kita cerita lagi nanti😊

Siapapun yang baca, doakan aku ya. I'm okey kok, physically and mentally masih waras insyaAllah. Yah namanya juga hidup kadang ketemu sama kenyataan yang begini hihi.